Hell
From the beginning of time humanity has pondered their death. A concept that began very early was that when you died, people who were good were sent to one area, and evildoers were sent to another place. When Jesus Christ lived among us, people yearned to know of what their sins would do to them in the next life. Unfortunately, Christ was killed before he could get back to us on that. However, Dante Alighieri, Virgil the Poet, and Stephen Colbert were brave enough to enter Hell and see what it was like. Hell is also called Hoboken New Jersey Hell Beginning of the Journey As Dante was journeying through a dark forest, he lost the way. Beset by temptations on all sides, his lover, Beatrice, interceded for him. God sent Virgil up from Hell to escort Dante into the depths. At the same time, God pulled Stephen Colbert into Dante's era, to go into Hell if Dante got knocked out, died, or wet himself. Together the three souls journeyed into Hades. As they entered the pit, an inscription overhead read, "Abandon all hope, all ye who enter here, for there be Democrats hither." The Four Layers of Hell When the group entered Hell, they saw that it was divided up into different layers, according to the sins committed by the damned. With the peace of God in their hearts, they set out into the depths. The First Layer The first layer is where the un-baptized children and the morally righteous pagans go. As the party advanced through the layer, they began to see people they knew. Dante and Virgil went to talk to Aristotle. Colbert went to see a person who he had expected there, Ned Lamont. He had been sent to this layer because he called himself a Democrat, but held Republican ideals. Lamont said he would go to heaven after the Last Judgment, provided no one cut-and-ran from the Iraq humanitarian crisis. The Second Layer When they had finished talking to the good people, the adventuring group entered the second layer of hell. Here the lustful were punished by being blown about by a furious wind. Seemingly un-affected by the storm of sluts the party began to look for people they knew. Some of the people they saw were: * Julia Carson * Cleopatra * Francesca da Rimini * Your mother * Tiger Woods * Paris Hilton * Ted Haggard * Bill Clinton * The entire population of France * Basically, it was every slut and whore in the world. There's not enough room to list all of them. * Vegetarians * Canadians * and on occasion the Anti-Baby Jesus Upon observing the torment, Stephen began to cry. He said that he had "gotten it on" with so many women that he is doomed to go here. He was so distressed that Cleopatra came over to him. She said that he should perk up, because God would forgive him if he asked. Beside, she said, "If God were a woman, He'd so do you too." The Third Layer As they made their way further into the pit, the group came across souls that were eternally stuck in mud, constantly bombarded by freezing rain and hail. Nearby Cerberus, the vicious three-headed dog, was guarding the damned. Virgil said that the gluttons were condemned to remain here. Stephen could see people who voted Democrat because they had a sickness that could be cured by stem cells. They were only thinking of themselves, not the little un-fertilized egg that might maybe become a person if someone couldn't get pregnant the old-fashioned way. HAVE SEX AND YOU WILL DIE! The Fourth Layer Those who were concerned with material goods with no care as to morals were bound to this level. They pushed heavy weights in a semi-circle for eternity. These damned were guarded by Bearus, a Bear-like demon with razors for its foul shit-stinking hair. For some reason, the entire Republican Party was trapped in this layer. No one in the adventuring group could understand it.... The "Zeroth" Layer Some experts will argue that California is actually the first layer of hell, making a total of 5 instead of 4. Indeed, one could make a strong case for adding California to the layers of hell, considering that California is a breeding ground for hippies, is the west-coast headquarters of the Liberal media, has a bear on its state flag, and invented homosexuality and abortion. However, despite these heathen transgressions, California is where Ronald Reagan, arguably the greatest American hero, served as governor, and out of respect to him and Trickle-down Economics, we cannot list California as the first level of hell. See Also *A World Without Stephen Colbert *Westboro Baptist Church *Hanoi Hilton *Ohio *Canton, Ohio *Columbus, Ohio